A Mind’s Retreat

OF ALL THE SUMMERS I had I considered this one as the most productive (well a mere assumption so far). Neither because, finally, my family had been to the country’s most serene vacation spots nor I was able to accomplish every single thing in my April-May to do checklist. Not that I did get a license or special award or anything from this indisputably venerable driving school in Makati. Because to count I really can’t enumerate much from what I’ve achieved during these so called student idle days, I’m not even certain if there’re many. However one thing is for sure, I had the time of my lifetime.

            It was sort of a retreat to mind and body when the month of April came.  Following the routine I planned on the previous month all week long I can say I partly succeeded. I made clear to myself I’d finish reading three novels and the Philippine Constitution Textbook for which contents I’ve been dying to memorize or in the very least familiarize. Another thing I supposedly done reminded me of the article I read about why summer was the best time in year to get fit since the sun’s intense thermal energy was at its best mood to extremely lack apathy for a tropical southeastern country lying inconveniently nearest to the equator, say Philippiiiiiines. However, positively speaking, I decided to take advantage of the heat so I can do what I enjoyed doing—burning calories. Ha. Although if truth be told I wasn’t successful which has  wasn't surprising anyway because I always end up vacation with this kind of bang, a remorseful bang, however in terms of being figure conscious only. J. Last of all, I simply settled on making the most of each day fun and progressive, in this part let everything flow.

            I’m not going to specify each and everything that happened after all this planning. Generally, within two months, I finished playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas (sigh I hate endings L ), read two novels, went back to Laguna for a while, wrote several articles, managed to get a twitter account (still no tumbler though because I’m too lazy to administer one), bought a new cell phone, became the newest fan of the best Korean Pop boy group Big Bang, and got the kilig feeling of liking someone once again in name of Tae Yang. I also watched a number of movies, the Playful Kiss series, and each evening, (okay here comes the corney side of me) followed the ABS-CBN primetime dramas back to back to back: 100 days to heaven, Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin, and Mara Clara which I never thought I’d be fond of. I jogged a couple of times, met some of my high school friends, and most of the time went out with my family to go malling or dining outdoors. I really wanted to burst more if I intended this narrative be a novel but simply surmising it all I enjoyed everything with a capital E.

            With all these occurring there’s a thing I haven’t mentioned yet and probably won’t to everyone apparently uninformed of it. All I can say for now I guess is I’m the unfortunate miss fortune. I’m referring to my callingJ; the chance I’ve been waiting for two years from now already arrived. When the opportunity came I knew I did really well, modesty aside I’ve got the likelihood of maybe even 80/100 but going through the process became really difficult and mishap happened. Have you ever been to a situation when your skills were put into a test and then in the aftermath realized you weren’t giving your best at all? I have been. There have been regrets of complacence and at the same time lack of self trust when everybody in reality knows you can.

            The reason I’m running through these things is because I too want to understand myself. The chance came nonetheless everything went out of hand. I was almost there the big bosses knew it. But when everybody believed that I can, this sanctuary was where I belong to, and all seemed rushed, unexpectedly a voice gaped yet there’s as if nothing to be heard. Isn’t this what I want? Isn’t it I’d be happy doing forever?

            Just after so many reflections this May I figure out the answer. What I believe I dream to do for so long blinds me. I want to live without restrictions; I don’t like being judged especially before the unforgiving eyes of men. I vision to be the richest that way I can offer more help, to myself and to others. I want to do business, travel around the world, meet a lot of amazing people, eat ice cream, pizza and pasta everyday, run my breath out, work while having fun, touch lives, fall in love, and so much more. I want to know more about the world and Him. I want to discover myself.

            So after some time of thinking and experiencing what is akin to the vocation I want, I’m still definitely not letting go of it nevertheless consider it as a second choice. I have the urge to do it once again but next time I’ll make sure to be prepared and that I’m going wholeheartedly. You might suppose I’m mad for having such inconsistent thoughts but hey, beliefs are subject to changes as well. Ponder. You might realize later I’m not at all.

            Cliché as it may sound but no words can exactly describe how thankful I am for the simple things, the enjoyment, and the experiences I had during the vacation. Anyhow, I’d like to thank you also for being such a constant.

            And of course the summer.

Meet my boyfriend.

A novel by Sophie Kinsela, one of my favorite authors, given  to me by a very good friend. 

I'll definitely miss this game.

Big Bang I recently became a fan.

Unpararelled

Today while standing before these gentlemen, I died yet lived once more. This rush from high school, still familiar till now I just felt a thing worthy of comparison to...an ice cream in a course, a host's climactic tone, gooseflesh on skin, cheering audience, the summit, Christmas, marriage in life, sex within marriage, resurrected Dumbledore, a flat one GWA, accomplished mission on Grand Theft Auto, meeting Bi Rain, kissing Bi Rain, unlimited shopping spree grant, the zeal of enthusiasm, and chicken flying overboard. This is the epitome. My career life's quintessence.

On Expectations

                         Ever since God granted me this cognition, to grasp almost everything from my surroundings to implicit self, it has become my habit to always (optimistically) picture the unsure.

                         I keep on expecting.

                        My sight shuts but it sees: scenes of simple happiness from childhood. Satisfied I was before because I seldom meet disappointment. Either my own or not—that never matter as long as we speak about victory. I winning the race. Ready set on start from first grade to sixth thus become the overachiever. When I study in focus I come on top. When I contest I succeed. Speaking out of conceit, academic and non-scholastic awards delight me. However, these weigh a little less as compared to a child’s play. Being the most valuable sipa-bola player of the day, adding a new stationery paper set to my collection, a grant of extra baon from parent; and a possible glimpse of your elementary crush through eye corner sound more appealing. Then.

                        To this day sometimes I wish I am little again, nonchalant, more appreciative, and most of all less afraid to expect. Why not fearful?

                        Now my eyes open and see a clearer view. One thing I learn is that evident object deserves utmost concern consequently what is now clearer to our view catches more attention to the eyes. Our prospect is the present.

                        I neither say maturity brings none of the youthful joys nor despise being involved in the complexity of adulthood since I love simply being in it. Beginning from high school good things constantly unravel i.e. only rules and laws are the limits. Taking public transport turns usual so my parents decide to cancel my daily carpool (as if ), I can at the moment entertain suitors (however am not allowed to involve in any relationship yet), attend late night events, decide my own fate, and the rest more mature advantages—in another term become amazingly independent.

                         Naturally, there are thousand reasons to be keen on being an adult even so a mere thing hinders that pure enjoyment. We grow, yes we grow, but our demands in life increase as well, and only a hypocrite person denies this.  In cases demand can be multifaceted and when this happens I dislike it because it triggers most of my expectations.

                        Owing to the fact of the culprit dismay has been an existing word. Now that I am a no child world’s intricacy has already been a responsibility I carry upon my shoulder, nevertheless, whenever I immerse myself in the lifestyle society dictates us all the more efforts I shall give so as a result success may go at hand and within these endeavor my hopes are established.

                        Expecting has become a tendency unavoidable to me. Despite low chance situations I do it. Despite I know some things cannot be I keep my firm belief. Perhaps, I have been used to it, should I blame the past for tolerating this attitude or is it only myself as a woman whom requires change?

                        Indeed I want a change. Indeed I do not. Expectations may most of the time connotatively give a negative note because in the end it is normally accompanied by cons, first in the list is disappointment, but the pros is also a friend which most of the time serves as the challenge—will you give too much of it? Because when you do here problems arise. To expect with regards to its measure is all right.  High conveys only great power of spirit and low means a regulated determination of one’s self. Otherwise, it can be emotionally destructive.

                        Either way I choose to keep mine. Expectations give me the fervor because these are dreams in disguise.